Grass Roots

Women’s Sexual Infidelity: Contrasting Empirical Perspectives and Clinical Opinions

Much popular material about sexual infidelity does not resonate with betrayed men. Much of this material is based on clinical literature. Clinical, in the specific context of women’s infidelity, may not imply precision or analysis. Rather, it may connote the ideology of the authors (Briken et al., 2024; Buss & von Hippel, 2018; Grubbs et al., 2020). Much of the clinical literature alleges sexual homogeneity (sameness) of women and men. Clinical research studies are based primarily on qualitative (anecdotal) data.

Empirical (quantitative) psychological science about committed relationships, sex, and infidelity aligns more closely with experiences betrayed men speak about. Sexual psychology differences of women and men stand out in this regard (Poeppl et al., 2016). The same holds true for differences in reproductive costs of women and men (Jonason & Lavertu, 2017). Different sexual psychologies and reproductive costs of women and men help to establish mate value, a pivotal factor of betrayed men’s experiences (Miner et al., 2009).

This essay surveys empirical science about women’s sexual infidelity. It then surveys specific allegations in clinical literature about women’s infidelity. Gaps and conflicts in clinical opinions are highlighted. Perhaps the greatest gaps and conflicts entail person or situation motivations and justifications for adverse behaviors (Funder, 2006). 

Empirical science about fidelity and infidelity centers on personality traits, positive and adverse (Lișman & Corneliu, 2023). Personality heritability has been well researched (Fowler & Both, 2020). Personality traits tend to remain stable throughout one’s life span (Jirjahn & Ottenbacher, 2023).

Positive personality traits are associated with decisional bonding (Brown et al., 2020) and secure attachment (Orzeck & Lung, 2005). Decisional bonding and secure attachment are strongly associated with fidelity (Weiser & Weigel, 2015). Additionally, fidelity requires loyalty (Rodriguez et al., 2018) and commitment (Bode & Kushnick, 2021).

Among the Big Five personality traits, conscientiousness is strongly associated with fidelity (Buss & Shackelford, 1997). In the HEXACO model, Honesty-Humility is associated with fidelity (Reinhardt & Reinhard, 2023) and conscientiousness with mothering (Davis et al., 2019). Fidelity is also associated with slow life history and dedicated parenting (Alavi et al., 2018).

Infidelity requires volition (Zapien, 2017), egocentrism (Wurst et al., 2017), and deception (Brewer & Abell, 2015). Women’s infidelity is associated with low conscientiousness (Buunk et al, 2018) and high neuroticism (Schmitt, 2004). Trait neuroticism is associated with anxious attachment (Miller et al., 2018) and adverse personality (Roelofs et al., 2008). Infidelity is also associated with exploitation (Jones & Weiser, 2014) and callousness (Brewer et al., 2019).

Empirical research has established that men engage with women who are in committed relationships for low cost, commitment free, sex (Hughes & Harrison, 2019). Such men excel at deceiving women to gain sexual access to them (Carter et al, 2014). Specifically, they pursue women who display certain personality traits (Buss, 2017).

Empirical studies about fidelity and infidelity center on the relationship investment model (Rusbult, 1980). Investment has a strong basis in respect (Young & Zeigler-Hill, 2024). The model also holds that betrayed spouses are not responsible for unfaithful spouses’ decisions and actions (Tran et al., 2019).

Much clinical literature centers on men’s infidelity and women’s betrayal experiences. Sexual psychology, reproductive costs, and mate value differences, however, tell against applying models suitable for betrayed women to betrayed men. More broadly, personality and individual differences tell against applying models to infidelity and betrayal experiences.

Some clinical literature acknowledges that personality plays a role in infidelity, generally (Belu & O’Sullivan, 2024). A few authors acknowledge that adverse personality tells against the prospect of reconciliation (Bagarozzi, 2008; Elbaum, 1981; Silverstein, 1998). A few authors warn that adverse personality tends to remain stable throughout one’s life span (Curtis et al., 2021; DuPree, 2007; Josephs & Shimberg, 2010).

Much of the clinical literature is based on the relationship deficit model (Buunk, 1980; Lewandowski & Ackerman, 2006; Thompson, 1983). This model relies on the self-reports of unfaithful spouses, and it has not been tested empirically (Selterman et al, 2019). The deficit model contends that infidelity occurs primarily in low quality relationships (Rokach & Chan, 2023). Authors, however, tend to overlook the fact that the adverse personality of one spouse is a core facet of low relationship quality (Krizan & Herlache, 2018).

Gaps and conflicts with the deficit model run deeper still. Men who betray primarily identify lack of sexual activity or sexual variety as motivation and justification for infidelity (Murphy et al., 2024). Authors tend to dismiss this reason straightaway. Women who betray identify feeling emotionally neglected, lack of satisfaction with their spouse, or lack of satisfaction with their relationship as motivation and justification for infidelity (Belu & O’Sullivan, 2024; Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2023; Selterman et al, 2019). Authors tend to assign validity to all three reasons. Thus, authors tend not to apply the deficit model uniformly between the sexes.

Empirical psychological science establishes that women’s self-reported reasons for committing infidelity are associated with adverse personality traits. Feeling emotionally neglected as motivation and justification for infidelity is strongly associated with high neuroticism (Barta & Kiene, 2005). Lack of satisfaction with the spouse as motivation and justification for infidelity is strongly associated with narcissism (Brewer et al., 2020). Lack of satisfaction with the relationship as motivation and justification for infidelity is strongly associated with complex adverse personality traits (Apt & Hurlbert, 1994; Freyth & Jonason, 2023; Green & Charles, 2019; Hughes et al., 2020; Moore et al., 2020).

Scientific researchers have pointed to the egocentrism and complex deception intrinsic to men’s and women’s motivations and justifications for infidelity (Altinok & Kilic, 2020; Brewer et al., 2023; Lișman & Corneliu, 2023). Some clinical authors have followed suit, generally, albeit not specifically regarding unfaithful women (Warach et al., 2019). Non-uniform applications of the deficit model thus become more apparent.

Women’s motivations and justifications for infidelity serve to construct a socially idealized ‘other’ man (Fisher et al., 2010). Some clinical literature tends to perpetuate this construction (Mark et al., 2011). Such ‘other’ men are idealized as genuinely caring, emotionally available, and selfless, qualities that meet the alleged emotional needs of unfaithful women (Rodrigues et al., 2017). Empirical science rejects all such idealized constructions (Burch & Gallup, 2019; Joseph et al., 2015; Weiser & Weigel, 2015).

Empirical research has shown that women sexually betray their spouses at the same rates as men (Adamopoulou, 2013; Apostolou et al., 2022; Brand et al., 2007). Some clinical studies also bear this out (Johnson, 2005; Thompson, 1984; Wróblewska-Skrzek, 2021). Many unfaithful women are mothers, and many ‘other’ men are married.

Much clinical literature assigns responsibility to betrayed men for women’s infidelity (Duba et al, 2008). For example, in a widely cited clinical study that involved two betrayed husbands, one was told that his alleged personality deficits led his wife to betray him, and the other was invited to consider how his wife’s family of origin issues led her to betray him (Gordon et al., 2004). In another study, authors alleged personality deficits in a betrayed father, assigned validity to them, and told him that these deficits made him partially responsible for his wife’s infidelity (McCarthy & Wald, 2013).

Much of the clinical literature asserts that committed relationships damaged by sexual infidelity can be better than before discovery (Abrahamson et al., 2012; Gordon et al., 2004; Negash et al., 2018). We are not aware of any empirical studies that offer statistics for infidelity recovery. One clinical study, however, showed that no more than fifteen percent of relationships recover (Charny & Parnass, 1995). These data appear to center on unfaithful men and betrayed women.

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