Mission Statement

We see the need to create research for betrayed men. Conversations with sexually betrayed men, along with detailed study of scientific literature about infidelity, establish this need (Apostolou et al., 2022; Irvine & Peluso, 2022; Labrecque & Whisman 2020). We believe that context can clarify meaning (Curtis et al., 2021; Lișman & Holman 2021; Warach et al., 2018). 

Men experience betrayal differently than women. Betrayed men who have read and listened to popular material about infidelity, or who have sought specialist support, state this consistently. Scientific literature about infidelity documents such differences, and reasons for them (Davis et al., 2018; Millar & Baker, 2017; Miller & Maner, 2009). 

We base our support on the relationship investment model (Tran et al., 2019; Lee & O’Sullivan, 2019; Allen et al., 2005). This approach identifies commitment as the cornerstone of marriage (McNulty et al., 2018; Salmon, 2017; Nelson et al., 2008). It also holds that betrayed spouses are not responsible for unfaithful spouse’s decisions and actions. For clarity, we believe that husbands are never responsible for their wife’s infidelity.  

Betrayal impacts all aspects of men’s humanity. Uniqueness of individual and situational experiences requires adaptive support approaches, not models (Selterman et al., 2021; Selterman & Koleva, 2015; Josephs & Shimberg, 2010). We assist men in processing their experiences through attentiveness and offering information. We avoid idealizations and advice-giving. 

We are not aware of scientific research centered on reasons why betrayed men choose to stay. Betrayed men, however, speak of conscientiousness that they cannot act against (Jirjahn & Ottenbacher, 2023; Wilkinson & Dunlop, 2021; Allen & Walter, 2018). Some speak of faith-based and code-based motivations. Many state that their children’s security and family legacy are their reasons for staying.  

Men who choose to stay possess high distress tolerances. They speak of grit, fortitude, and steadfastness, along with willingness, which must align with their conscientiousness. Men state that this combination of qualities enables them to process and master their difficult realities. 

We support men in processing their betrayal experiences, regardless of relationship outcome. Conscientious men tend to speak of the absence of choices. We believe that conscientiousness integrates distinct forms of choice (Buss & Schmitt, 2019; Altgelt et al., 2018; Book et al, 2015). We believe that marriages damaged by infidelity can be reconstituted. This, however, requires extraordinary multilateral efforts.  

We believe that betrayed men need adaptive, flexible support. We recognize the paucity of research and resources for men (Fife et al., 2023; Warach & Josephs, 2019; Hughes & Harrison 2019; Millar & Baker, 2017; Abramson et al., 2012). We created this platform as a base for research, awareness, networking, support, and camaraderie.

References

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Allen, E. S., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Glass, S. P. (2005). Intrapersonal, interpersonal, and contextual factors in engaging in and responding to extramarital involvement. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 12, 101–130. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.bpi014

Allen, M. S., & Walter, E. E. (2018). Linking big five personality traits to sexuality and sexual health: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 144, 1081–1110. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul00 00157

Altgelt, E. E., Reyes, M. A., French, J. E., Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2018). Who is sexually faithful? Own and partner personality traits as predictors of infidelity. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 600–614. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517743085

Apostolou, M., Constantinou, C., & Zalaf, A. (2022). How people react to their Partners’ infidelity: An explorative study. Personal Relationships, 29(4), 913–932. doi:10.1111/pere.12457

Book, A., Visser, B. A., & Volk, A. A. (2015). Unpacking ‘‘evil’’: Claiming the core of the Dark Triad. Personality and Individual Differences, 73, 29–38. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2014.09.016

Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (2019). Mate Preferences and Their Behavioral Manifestations. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 77–110.

Curtis, R., Likis-Werle, E., & Shelton, T. (2021). Counseling Clients Who Have Experienced Undisclosed Infidelity. Family Journal, 29(4), 457–464. https://doi.org/10.1177/10664807211005066

Davis, A. C., Desrochers, J., DiFilippo, A., Vaillancourt, T., & Arnocky, S. (2018). Type of jealousy differentially predicts cost-inflicting and benefit-provisioning mate retention. Personal Relationships, 25(4), 596–610. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12262

Fife, S. T., Gossner, J. D., Theobald, A., Allen, E., Rivero, A., &Koehl, H. (2023). Couple healing from infidelity: A grounded theory study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(12), 3882-3905. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231177874

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Jirjahn, U., & Ottenbacher, M. (2023). Big Five personality traits and sex. Journal of Population Economics, 36, 549–580. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00148-022-00893-2

Josephs, L., Shimberg, J. (2010). The dynamics of sexual fidelity: Personality style as a reproductive strategy. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 27, 273–295. doi.org/10.1037/a0020455

Labrecque, L. T., & Whisman, M. A. (2020). Extramarital sex and marital dissolution: Does identity of the extramarital partner matter? Family Process, 59(3), 1308-1318. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12472.

Lee, B. H., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2019). Walk the line: How successful are efforts to maintain monogamy in intimate relationships? Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(6), 1735–1748. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508- 018-1376-3

Lișman, C. G., & Holman, A. C. (2021). Cheating under the Circumstances in Marital Relationships: The Development and Examination of the Propensity towards Infidelity Scale. Social Sciences, 10(10), 392. https://doi.org/10.3390/socsci10100392

McNulty, J. K., Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., & Maner, J. K. (2018). Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(1), 76–95. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000127  

Millar, M., & Baker, A. (2017). Behavioral reactions to emotional and sexual infidelity: Mate abandonment versus mate retention. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 11, 336–340. https://doi.org/10.1037/ebs0000091

Miller, S. L., & Maner, J. K. (2009). Sex differences in response to sexual versus emotional infidelity: The moderating role of individual differences. Personality and Individual Differences, 46, 287–291.

Nelson, J. A., Li, C., Eckstein, D. G., Ane, P., & Mullener, W. (2008). Antidotes for infidelity and prescriptions for long lasting relationships: Four couples’ activities. The Family Journal, 16, 375-378.

Salmon, C. (2017). Long-term romantic relationships: Adaptationist approaches. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 11, 121–130. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/ebs0000081

Selterman, D., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2021). What do people do, say, and feel when they have affairs? Associations between extradyadic infidelity motives with behavioral, emotional, and sexual outcomes. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 47(3), 238–252.

Selterman, D., & Koleva, S. (2015). Moral judgment of close relationship behaviors. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32, 922–945. doi.org/10.1177/0265407514554513

Tran, P., Judge, M., and Kashima, Y. (2019). Commitment in relationships: an updated meta-analysis of the investment model. Personal Relationships 26, 158–180. doi:10.1111/pere.12268

Warach, B., & Josephs, L. (2019). The aftershocks of infidelity: A review of infidelity-based attachment trauma. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 5(1), 1–19. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2019.1577961.

Warach, B., Josephs, L., & Gorman, B. S. (2018). Pathways to infidelity: The roles of self-serving bias and betrayal trauma. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 44(5), 497–512. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1416434

Wilkinson, D. E., & Dunlop, W. L. (2021). Both sides of the story: Narratives of romantic infidelity. Personal Relationships, 28(1), 121-147.