Invitation

We invite readers to consider the betrayal experiences of bonded, committed, conscientious men. Many are fathers. They tend towards privacy and protecting their family. They speak of complex suffering and dissonance.

Men speak of reading or listening to popular material about infidelity. They state that much of it resonates with them minimally, if at all. They also state that some assertions worsen their experiences. Examples include: Infidelity occurs in disconnected relationships, which both spouses are responsible for. Unhealthy people find and pair with unhealthy people. Women betray for romantic reasons. Betrayed men suffer ego-bruises.

Men speak of conversations with some therapists about their betrayal experiences. They speak of being told the same things they read or heard in popular material. They also speak of being asked leading questions about their responsibility for their wife’s decisions and actions. Examples include: What was missing from the relationship? What did you do, or not do, to lead your wife to choose infidelity? What have you learned about yourself upon discovering your wife’s infidelity?

Some men speak of being asked questions that imply direct blame. Examples include: Do you share equal portions of domestic responsibilities and labor with your wife? Do you come home from work quickly? Have you betrayed your wife? Do you masturbate? Do you drink alcohol?

Men also speak of being guilted. Examples include: Only traumatized women commit infidelity. Men may have obligations to protect their wife from the consequences of her decisions and actions. Personal recovery and marital healing are possible, if you are willing to forgive.

Empirical (quantitative) scientific research and sexual medicine studies about basic nature, personality, committed relationships, sex, and infidelity present different information than what men have read, heard, or been told by some therapists. Indeed, many popular assertions have no basis in empirical science or sexual medicine. There are many reasons for this. We invite consideration of three.

One is differences in men’s and women’s sexual psychologies and reproductive costs. Differences in basic emotions and mate value are specific examples. Scientific literature on these topics is comprehensive (Asao et al., 2023; Banfield & McCabe, 2001; Barbaro et al., 2016; Bendixen et al., 2018; Brown et al., 2020; Edlund et al., 2021; Edlund & Sagarin, 2014; Jonason & Buss, 2012, Poeppl et al., 2016; Walsh et al., 2019).

Another is favorable self-presentation, through impression management and social desirability. Specifically, feeling emotionally neglected, dissatisfied with the spouse, or with the relationship, are conveyed culturally as justifications for women’s infidelity. Empirical research challenges such blame attributions (Apostolou & Pediaditakis, 2023; Barta & Kiene, 2005; Brand et al., 2007; Brewer et al., 2023; Hackathorn & Ashdown, 2021; Lișman & Holman, 2022; King, 2022; Preti & Miotto, 2011; Warach et al., 2019; Whisman & Snyder, 2007).

The third reason is personality, of betrayed and unfaithful spouses. Scientists and sexual medicine practitioners identify personality as a key factor in fidelity and infidelity. Bonded, committed, conscientious men tend toward privacy. Conversely, many studies detail adverse personality characteristics of spouses who betray (Allen & Walter, 2018; Altınok & Kılıç, 2020; Apt & Hurlbert, 1994; Apostolou, 2023; Brewer et al., 2020; Buunk et al, 2018; Freyth & Jonason, 2023; Gewirtz-Meydan et al., 2023; Jirjahn & Ottenbacher, 2023; Miller et al., 2010; Muñoz & De Los Reyes, 2021; Reinhardt & Reinhard, 2023; Tran et al., 2019; van Zyl, 2021; Vrabel et al., 2020).

Bonded, committed, conscientious men experience betrayal and suffer in complex ways. We invite readers to ponder the relationship investment model as paramount in working with them (for a review, see Tran et al., 2019). This model regards infidelity as a one-sided series of decisions and actions by the unfaithful, for which the betrayed is never responsible.

Works Consulted (sexual psychology, reproductive costs, basic emotions, and mate value differences):

Asao, K., Crosby, C., & Buss, D. (2023). Sexual morality: Multidimensionality and sex differences. Evolutionary Behavioural Sciences, 17(4), 420–445.

Banfield, S., & McCabe, M. (2001). Extra relationship involvement among women: Are they different from men? Archives of Sexual Behavior, 30, 119-142.

Barbaro, N., Shackelford, T., & Weekes-Shackelford, V. (2016). Mothers and fathers perform more mate retention behaviors than individuals without children. Human Nature, 27, 316–333.

Bendixen, M., Kennair, L., & Grøntvedt, T. (2018). Forgiving the unforgivable: couples’ forgiveness and expected forgiveness of emotional and sexual infidelity from an error management theory perspective. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 12, 322–335.

Brown, M., Westrich, B., Bates, F., Twibell, A., & McGrath, R. (2020). Preliminary evidence for virtue as a cue to long-term mate value. Personality and Individual Differences, 167, 110249.

Edlund, J., Clark, D., Kalmus, A., & Sausville, A. (2021). Receptivity to casual sexual requests. Journal of Social Psychology, 161(6), 779–784.

Edlund, J., & Sagarin, B. (2014). The Mate Value Scale. Personality and Individual Differences, 64(1), 72–77.

Jonason, P., & Buss, D. (2012). Avoiding entangling commitments: Tactics for implementing a short-term mating strategy. Personality and Individual Differences, 52(5), 606–610.

Poeppl, T., Langguth, B., Rupprecht, R., Safron, A., Bzdok, D., Laird, A., & Eickhoff, S. (2016). The neural basis of sex differences in sexual behavior: A quantitative meta-analysis. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology, 43, 28–43.

Walsh, M., Millar, M., & Westfall, R. (2019). Sex differences in responses to emotional and sexual infidelity in dating relationships. Journal of Individual Differences, 40(2), 63–70.

Works Consulted (favorable self-presentation)

Apostolou, M., & Pediaditakis, N. (2023). Forgiving Infidelity: Persuasion Tactics for Getting a Second Chance. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 17(4), 381–392.

Barta, W., & Kiene, S. (2005). Motivations for infidelity in heterosexual dating couples: The roles of gender, personality differences, and sociosexual orientation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 22(3), 339–360.

Brand, R., Markey, C., Mills, A., & Hodges, S. (2007). Sex differences in self-reported infidelity and its correlates. Sex Roles, 57(1–2), 101–109.

Brewer, G., Guothova, A., & Tsivilis, D. (2023). But it wasn't really cheating: Dark Triad traits and perceptions of infidelity. Personality and individual differences, 202(2), 198-217.

Hackathorn, J., & Ashdown, B. (2021). The webs we weave: Predicting infidelity motivations and extradyadic relationship satisfaction. The Journal of Sex Research, 58(2), 170–182.

King, B. (2022). The influence of social desirability on sexual behavior surveys: A review. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51, 1495–1501.

Lișman, C., & Holman, A. (2022). Innocent cheaters: a new scale measuring the moral disengagement of marital infidelity. Studia Psychologica, 64(2), 214-227.

Preti, A., & Miotto, P. (2011). Self-deception, social desirability, and psychopathology. Behavioral & Brain Sciences, 34(1), 37-37.

Warach, B., Josephs, L., & Gorman, B. (2019). Are cheaters sexual hypocrites? Sexual hypocrisy, the self-serving bias, and personality style. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(10), 1499–1511.

Whisman, M., & Snyder, D. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21, 147–154.

Works Consulted (personality)

Allen, M., & Walter, E. (2018). Linking big five personality traits to sexuality and sexual health: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 144, 1081–1110.

Altınok, A., & Kılıç, N. (2020). Exploring the associations between narcissism, intentions towards infidelity, and relationship satisfaction: Attachment styles as a moderator. PloS One, 15(11), e0242277.

Apostolou, M. (2023). The association of Dark Triad personality traits with infidelity: Evidence from the Greek-cultural context. Culture and Evolution, 20(1), 137–143.

Apt, C., & Hurlbert, D. (1994). The sexual attitudes, behavior, and relationships of women with histrionic personality disorder. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 20(2), 125–134.

Brewer, G., Erickson, E., Whitaker, L., & Lyons, M. (2020). Dark Triad traits and perceived quality of alternative partners. Personality and Individual Differences, 154, 109633.

Buunk, A. P., Dijkstra, P., & Massar, K. (2018). The universal threat and temptation of extradyadic affairs. In A. Vangelisti & D. Perlman (Eds.), The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships (pp. 353–364). Cambridge, MA: Cambridge University Press.

Freyth, L., & Jonason, P. (2023). Overcoming agreeableness: Sociosexuality and the Dark Triad expanded and revisited. Personality and Individual Differences, 203, 112009.

Gewirtz-Meydan, A., Estlein, R., & Finzi-Dottan, R. (2023). The relationship between narcissistic traits and attitudes toward infidelity: A dyadic analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 37, 932–941.

Jirjahn, U., & Ottenbacher, M. (2023). Big Five personality traits and sex. Journal of Population Economics, 36, 549–580.

Miller, J., Dir, A., Gentile, B., Wilson, L., Pryor, L., & Campbell, W. (2010). Searching for a vulnerable Dark Triad: Comparing factor 2 psychopathy, vulnerable narcissism, and borderline personality disorder. Journal of Personality, 78, 1529–1564.

Muñoz, M., & De Los Reyes, S. (2021). The Dark Triad and honesty rules in romantic relationships. Current Psychology.

Reinhardt, N., & Reinhard, M. (2023). Honesty–humility negatively correlates with dishonesty in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Tran, P., Judge, M., & Kashima, Y. (2019). Commitment in relationships: an updated meta-analysis of the investment model. Personal Relationships 26, 158–180. DOI: 10.1111/pere.12268

van Zyl, C. (2021). The five factor model and infidelity: Beyond the broad domains. Personality and Individual Differences, 172, 110553.

Vrabel, J., Zeigler-Hill, V., Lehtman, M., & Hernandez, K. (2020). Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 124-142.