The Ego Wounds Fallacy

Betrayed men speak of reading, hearing, or being told that they suffer ego wounds. We have seen some references to this notion in popular material and clinical literature. The assertion seems to be applied to betrayed men, not to betrayed women.

We have not found any references to this allegation, for betrayed men or women, in empirical psychological studies. Rather, empirical research points to the importance of exclusivity in committed relationships (Baumeister et al., 2017). Exclusive sexual access is a core facet of mate value (Starratt et al., 2017). Sexual psychology and reproductive cost differences of men and women define different measures of mate value (Donner et al., 2023; Edlund & Sagarin, 2014; Galperin et al., 2013).

Violations of exclusivity tend to result in relationship dissolution (Lișman & Holman, 2022). This may be particularly true of women’s infidelity (Shackelford et al., 2002). It may be even more true of childless relationships (Allen et al., 2005).

Bonded, committed, conscientious men, particularly fathers, who discover infidelity may choose to stay in the relationship, even if they ultimately cannot. They speak of the importance of meaning and legacy for their family and of protective instincts (Bode & Kushnick, 2021). They also speak of complex losses and unresolvable dissonance. Telling such men that they suffer ego wounds seems misleading and harmful.

Works Consulted:

Allen, E. S., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Glass, S. P. (2005). Intrapersonal, interpersonal, and contextual factors in engaging in and responding to extramarital involvement. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 12, 101–130.

Bode, A., & Kushnick, G. (2021). Proximate and ultimate perspectives on romantic love. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 573123.

Baumeister, R., Reynolds, T., Winegard, B., & Vohs, K. (2017). Competing for love: Applying sexual economics theory to mating contests. Journal of Economic Psychology, 63, 230–241.

Donner, M., Chagas-Bastos, F., Jeremiah, R., & Laham, S. (2023). Pathogens or promiscuity? Testing two accounts of the relation between disgust sensitivity and binding moral values. Emotion, 24(2), 465–478.

Edlund, J., & Sagarin, B. (2014). The Mate Value Scale. Personality and Individual Differences, 64(1), 72–77.

Galperin, A., Haselton, M., Frederick, D., Poore, J., von Hippel, W., Buss, D., & Gonzaga, G. (2013). Sexual regret: Evidence for evolved sex differences. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, 1145–1161.

Lișman, C., & Holman, A. (2022). Innocent cheaters: a new scale measuring the moral disengagement of marital infidelity. Studia Psychologica, 64(2), 214-227

Shackelford, T. K., Buss, D. M., & Bennett, K. (2002). Forgiveness or breakup: sex differences in responses to a partner’s infidelity. Cognition and Emotion, 16(2), 299–307.

Starratt, V., Weekes-Shackelford, V., & Shackelford, T. (2017). Mate value both positively and negatively predicts intentions to commit an infidelity. Personality and Individual Differences, 104, 18–22.